In Defense of Marriage

Last month, my wife gave me a very special gift for our 15-year wedding anniversary: She gave me back my testicles.

When a man marries a woman, he surrenders his balls. I have discovered that this simple act of submission is the key to a long and happy marriage. Just as neutering a dog makes him more docile and receptive to training, when a man marries a woman, he is effectively castrated; then, and, only then can the husband say, “Yes dear,” and “You’re right honey” with sincerity.

Thus, I am opposed to gay marriage for this very simple reason: The surrendering of testicles can only occur between one man and one woman. Never mind the nonsense about marriage being the foundation of western civilization. Forget about understanding human behavior within the context of a rational universe. Arguments about moral and immoral behavior are no longer germane to the discussion. It’s nothing more than a matter of simple arithmetic.

At the most basic level, marriage is about the willful surrender of the testicles. When two women get married, such an exchange cannot take place, (for obvious reasons). When two men get married, each man surrenders his balls to the other, and you have returned to the initial condition–that is, both parties still have a pair.

The same logic explains my opposition to polygamy. If a man marries more than one woman, to whom will he give his balls? The result would be a very painful tug-of-war. Alternatively, if a woman marries more than one man, she will end up with a bag full of nuts, and what sane woman would want that?

So I stood there, juggling my balls in my hand. After a few seconds, I handed them back to my wife.

“You don’t want them?” she asked.

“Well, it’s not that,” I said, “I just can’t remember what I used them for.”