Go Zips!

Congratulations, Zippy! You have been nominated for a “Stony!”

While the clandestine Nominating Committee normally does not disclose the criteria by which it considers potential nominees, memos recently released by WikiLeaks indicate that  the marsupial mascot of The University of Akron received the nomination for the following reasons:

  • In 2007, Zippy went undefeated to win that year’s Capitol One National Mascot Challenge
  • Zippy is a kangaroo named after “Zippers,” Akron’s original nickname. Zippers is also a pair of rubber overshoes.
  • Zippy’s favorite food is a stadium hot dog.

One leaked memo–written by a member of the Nominating Committee identified only as Qoheleth–was particular enlightening:

Vanity of vanities! All things are vanity! What profit has a team in victory? Is not the sweet taste of victory forgotten with first drop of defeat? Does not the laurel that crowns a champion wither and die? A new champion is crowned when the old one dies, and with the new champion does his fame reside! All this is vanity!

In a separate memo initialed by a “D. Duck,” the Committee concluded:

Kangaroos are herbivores….However, Zippy’s favorite food is a hot dog….A meat-eating marsupial named after rubbers? That’s despicable!

The Nominating Committee condemned the unauthorized release of the documents:

The anonymity of the Committee members, the criteria by which We consider potential Nominees, and the secrecy of Our proceedings are necessary to obfuscate the fact that the Sisyphus Awards are meaningless. Awarding a meaningless award attaches meaning to meaningless actions, thus highlighting–and celebrating–the absurdity of the human condition.

The Nominating Committee is considering legal action against WikiLeaks. However, several legal analysts from the venerable law firm of Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe speculated that it would be difficult to prove that the leaked documents caused any real damage. After all, the Nominating Committee is a fictional organization; the “Stony” is an imaginary award; and the documents in question, technically speaking, do not exist. Such a story would not gain much traction outside of The Onion or Fox News.

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