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And the “Stony Award” Goes To…


Wotan stood atop the battlements of Valhalla, and called forth the Valkyrie. Lightning fractured the midnight sky, and the thunderous baritone of Wotan’s voice shook Asgard to its very foundation:

“Now bridle your horse, roving maid,
and charge into battle!
You must see the victory bring!
Mortals decide
where Sisyphus resides.
Valhalla is no place
for that treacherous king!”

Brunnhilde, dressed in armor that shimmered like the starry night, raised her spear and mounted her battle steed, and her battle cry echoed from her ample breast:

“Hoyotoho! Hoyotoho!
Heiaha! Heiaha!
Hoyotoho! Heiaha!”

She descended like a comet from beyond the heavens, spear raised in hand, and charged into the battlefield, singing

“Hoyotoho! Hoyotoho!
Heiaha! Heiaha!
Hoyotoho! Heiaha!”

The four nominees–Me, a poor poet cursed with bright eyes and little skill; Michael Medved, who slew the beast of Liberalism, Eugene Debs, who knelt victoriously over the bloated corpse of Capitalism; and Mark-Anthony Turnage, who brought the beautiful Anna Nicole back to life–knelt before Brunnhilde, who gleamed in all Valhalla’s glory. The Valkyrie rose her voice in song:

“I love bold men in who fought valiantly
for the reward of carrying the stone to Valhalla.
But only one can survive;
the other three I must deprive
the spoils of noble victory.”

The warrior maiden spurred her horse into a cantor and marched around the nominees. Lowering her spear, Brunnhilde crowned Mark-Anthony Turnage victor.

“Arise in victory, and roll your stone
up the slope to Wotan’s throne!
Hoyotoho! Hoyotoho!
Heiaha! Heiaha!

Enough with the singing already!

For trying to attach meaning to the unhappy life and tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith, the Stony goes to Mark-Anthony Turnage and his opera Anna Nicole.


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